The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

A vibrant felt-tip sign taped to the door of a private room reads “GIRLS ONLY,” “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], and, with a playful twist, “don’t worry boys!” The notice is adorned with bright hearts and stars. At a large round table, a dozen girls at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, are already engrossed in a lively card game when I join them. Laughter and chatter fill the room, and the group quickly orders pizza. This visit forms part of my Radio 4 series, About The Girls, which includes conversations with roughly 150 young women, most aged 13 to 17. The discussions at that table mirrored many of the topics we explored.

Savvy and spirited conversations

The girls were witty, insightful, and full of energy. Their ambitions and hopes for the future were clear, with one describing her dream as “having a fridge that can hold a vase and becoming a doctor!” Their loyalty to friends was evident, as another remarked, “I can tell her anything.” They also demonstrated a keen sense of responsibility toward family, mentioning, “I go to town to top up my Nan’s electric. I love looking after her.” The dialogue shifted between the card game, school dramas, teachers they admired or disliked, social media trends, and debates about the distribution of Cheese Feast slices. There was more than enough to share.

A lens shaped by boys

This project follows my earlier series, About The Boys, where I spoke with teenage males across the UK. During the pandemic, alongside the #MeToo movement and the attention on Andrew Tate, I sought to understand their perspectives. The girls, however, proved just as engaging: thoughtful, articulate, and bold. Repeating the experiment with them felt natural and fair, especially as the Epstein files emerged around the same time, amplifying the urgency of the work.

Girls’ self-perception and social expectations

What I hadn’t anticipated was the recurring theme in all conversations: teenage girls still often frame their identities through the behavior of boys. Notably, they seemed aware of this dynamic. When I asked, “What is it really like to be a girl in 2025/26? Tell me the truth, don’t be polite!” their responses almost always began with “Well, boys think/say/want/feel…” These exchanges felt like an unconventional, real-life version of the Bechdel Test—a measure for evaluating female representation in films. To pass, a film must feature two named women discussing something unrelated to men. None of my interviews met that standard.

“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating,” said one participant.

Internalizing gendered norms

After the girls in Carmarthen had left, I spoke with Alison Harbor, the youth centre manager. She noted their openness, saying, “The boys at the club are quite vocal and confident in sharing their opinions. Well today, the girls have been the same! My worry is that they usually internalise a lot of their troubles…” Despite their candidness, the irony was that many described altering their behavior in mixed company. They spoke of avoiding perceptions of being “too much,” “too loud,” “weird,” or “annoying,” aiming instead to be seen as “pick me” or “a beg” (someone seeking attention).

“They told me how boys can be loud and funny, but that girls had better not. They described not wanting to ‘take up space’ and trying to be ‘smaller and quieter’ in mixed groups,” said another participant.

Teachers’ observations and research insights

Teachers of girls noted their tendency to “keep their heads down” and “not make a fuss,” or “fly below the radar.” Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has observed similar patterns in her own research. She explained, “There is certainly a pressure we heard from young women around that—really translating into the expectation that they need to be polite and respectful, and that they feel behavior expectations on them were…”