What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What Not to Say to a Friend Who Is Struggling to Conceive
After Vicky Levens endured her third miscarriage, she returned to work as a receptionist in Belfast. During her shift, two colleagues—both aware of her journey—made remarks that left her feeling emotionally wounded. A female manager remarked, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male manager commented on her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t suitable for her role. “I was in shock,” Vicky said, describing the moment as deeply painful. She eventually resigned after her next shift, overwhelmed by the unintended hurt of their words.
Common Misguided Comments
Over time, Vicky has faced numerous well-meaning but awkward statements from friends and family, such as “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” She acknowledged their intention to offer comfort but noted how these phrases could feel dismissive during her struggles. “In the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that,” she added, emphasizing the emotional toll of such remarks.
Similar experiences are shared by others. Kay, 33, from Manchester, described how even close acquaintances could unintentionally hurt. “Someone really close to me sat me down before starting IVF and said, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,’” she recalled. While these comments are often not malicious, they can feel like a lack of empathy during a vulnerable time.
A Taboo Topic
The NHS reports that approximately one in seven couples face challenges in conceiving, with over 50,000 IVF cycles conducted in the UK in 2023. Despite this, many individuals find discussing fertility struggles difficult. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, shared her hesitation to tell friends and family about her infertility. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she said, explaining that the body’s natural ability to conceive can lead to feelings of self-doubt.
Asiya Dawood, 42, from West London, highlighted how cultural expectations can intensify the pressure. In some South Asian communities, women who delay pregnancy may face relentless questioning about their “womanliness.” Relatives often attribute infertility to career choices or the timing of marriage, she said. This led her to withdraw from social interactions, exhausted by the constant commentary.
Seeking Support
Experts advise that open communication is essential. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London, noted that the emotional highs and lows of infertility treatment can be overwhelming. “The process is a roller coaster, and the days when you get a period or face an embryo transfer can be particularly tough,” she explained.
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, recommended that individuals confide in a support system tailored to their needs. “Your IVF team may differ from your usual circle of friends,” she said, underscoring the importance of seeking guidance from professionals. She encouraged people to ask the person experiencing infertility what kind of help they require, as needs vary.
Small Gestures, Big Impact
Support doesn’t always come in grand gestures. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shared how even minor acts, like a text message saying “I’m thinking of you,” can make a significant difference. Her friends and family provided practical and emotional aid throughout her journey, including bringing food, flowers, and restaurant vouchers. “Small signs of support mean a lot,” she said, noting that her parents and husband also gifted her flowers for Mother’s Day.
While some comments may unintentionally hurt, others can offer genuine comfort. The key, according to those who’ve navigated fertility challenges, is to be mindful of how words are received and to prioritize the emotional needs of the person going through the process.
